From the Archives: Conglomerate predicts doom for Y2K

After months of tedious analysis, study, and divine visions revealed to editor Kari Johnson, Conglomerate predicts that the utter annihilation of the world will mark the beginning of the new millennium. At best, the paper's editorial staff feels that humankind might last until January 2. But it's doubtful.

It is Conglomerate's belief that the wrath of God will finally obliterate all of humanity, for its lack of fruitfulness and love towards others. Conglomerate draws this conclusion primarily from this recent disturbing quote from God himself, communicated to Centenary's campus newspaper and all other world communication superpowers via e-mail: "You shall see my wrath when I obliterate all of humanity." Readers should note that God failed to respond to our pleas imploring for more time to repent or at least watch the AFC championship game. If you would like to try getting in touch with him, his e-mail address is god@aol.com. Of course, fans of God can also pray.

Other predictions for the will stop working at the year 2000 seem pretty meaningless compared to the doom of the earth. Fortunately, God has promised to suspend the eradication of the cosmos just long enough to see if the Y2K bug was worth all of the hype. For instance, people may have as long as a day to quell their curiosity about whether the power really will go out, the phones will stop working, and late-80's pop sensation Tiffany will undertake a second nationwide mall tour. He also "wanted to give some folks the chance to repent and stuff." Conglomerate forewarns that all of those other menial events will also transpire. Because of, as God puts it, "a reliance on that which is not pure, right, and wise, e.g. personal computers, you shall see all of your non- spiritual operating systems fail."

For instance, the water will stop working at midnight on December 31, as will the electricity.

Experts suggest that to help alleviate your suffering during this 24 hour period, citizens stock lots of bottled water, five loaves of bread, and a couple of fish. "My personal favorite is Twinkies™, so I'll be eatin' a whole bunch of them since I'm gonna die anyway," said senior Destiny Of Our Men (DOOM) spokesman Rich Krinkle. "I'm also planning on seein' how long I can wait before I have to go to the bathroom. I've always wanted to do that."

Many (okay, okay just a few) others agree with Conglomerate's futuristic vision. In an editorial dated November 11, editor-in-chief Earl Dodge of the Coushatta Overview Weekly (COW) advised members of the community to "stock up on water, food, and as many Mostess snack cakes you can." Dodge went on to offer more specific advice in dealing with the possible demise of creation. "First of all," he continued, "Hide them snack cakes from your wives. Wouldn't want the women-folk to fall off the wagon if they're on one of them fancy girlie diets. Second of all, make sure to keep a copy of the Good Book in your back pocket just in case that trumpet sounds and the Almighty reaches down his blessed hand to snatch up the righteous."

One of Conglomerate's newest partners in the campaign to inform the populace of the imminent decimation of our planet is the Denver Underground Militia Press. An article in last month's DUMP concurred with sentiments expressed by Conglomerate's editorial staff, maintaining that "January 1 will unleash the most disastrous chain of events since those limp-wristed crybabies on the Supreme Court barred oppressed Christian students from praying in public schools." The publication's December issue will include a handy Y2K guide offering helpful hints on minimizing damage to homes and separatist compounds. "Take a DUMP wherever you go in the week leading up to Y2K," said editor Rick Cummings.

According to God, otherwise known as Jehovah, Yahweh, and the Holy Honcho, those selected for salvation will be those involved in such noble activities as mothering, blue-collar labor, and professional wrestling. God, in his last e-mail to Conglomerate, delineated his reasoning for choosing these activities as sacred. "Mothers have known the pain of childbirth and made sacrifices for their children. Workers have sustained the efforts necessary for human progress. And, well, nothing strokes my beard like seeing Bob the Mangier throw it down with Herb the Destroyer while I'm sucking down a cold one and chomping on a manna burger."

Those chosen for "doomdom" are those involved in such wicked activities like Satan worship, extensive cell phone usage, and anyone who was ever a committed viewer of any TGIF sitcom.

The Almighty has, of course, reserved the harshest eternal torments for those who actually procured enjoyment from Balki on Perfect Strangers.